And here we go again…

Started a new fast today. Was really excited about it yesterday, having felt the need to be emptied out a bit after the last six weeks. The first day is always, difficult, because that’s when you rediscover the fact that often when you eat, you are so not hungry. I had times today where I wanted to hurl because I was so full (first day-protein drinks and tea-I don’t do tea and water only until the third day of a seven day fast), but it didn’t stop me from fantasizing about what I wanted to eat.

Where did the desire come from? I’ve figured out that there are three reasons I want to eat even when I’m not hungry.

  1. Habit: It sucks that food is the one addition you can’t go cold turkey from, so every morning my stomach tells me it’s hungry. And while I can handle those cravings throughout the day, at night (where most of my additional eating occurs) I’m tortured by the need to eat something. I need something soothing before bed and I get very stressed out when I can’t eat.
  2. Stress: There are only so many nails you can chew on before your fingers start to protest loudly. Unemployment is never fun, but when your benefits run out and the Republican’s block your extension, you begin to need something to calm your nerves. These are the times when I really wish I drank or smoked, because while they’re bad for you, there is a limit to how much you can drink or smoke without feeling truly awful. And while some of you may say that you can’t eat too much without feeling awful too, I can eat continuously for hours and never really feel it and my oral fixation and nerves are both satisfied.
  3. Boredom? This is the reason that almost always rings untrue to me. Do I get bored? More than the average person, without a doubt. But do I always require food to fill the time? No. A good book works just as well. I think the problem is that any unoccupied time I have on my hands leaves my mind to wander. That, as those who know me know, is just a freaking dangerous thing. It’s true, I’m not the most stable person in the world and I can nag a thought into existence, but I think the same thing goes for food. Anytime I need, my mind goes to food, and I grab the thought and nag on it until I have to have something to eat to satisfy it.
  4. Other thoughts: Maybe it’s the simple need to chew. Drinking all the time doesn’t entertain your mouth, and can lay a fine nasty tasting film on your tongue. Possibly it’s the need to taste something heavier that a thin liquid, you know, have something on your tongue that thrills your taste buds like bacon, butter, and cheese. Those are the flavors that satisfy and linger. Mmmmmm, bacon!
  5. Or, it could just be simple greed. It’s a thought I don’t like to think I’m capable of, but I’m mature enough to put it in the pot along with the others.

It must be nice to be one of those people who stops eating when they’re stressed, full, or satisfied.

I am just not one of those people.


~ by wastedlife40 on July 19, 2010.

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