What I learned about myself this time…


My fast comes to an end today and I must say, I did learn something interesting and disturbing about myself.

I have a very high tolerance for pain. Self inflicted emotional pain.

No, that’s not a surprise to anyone that knows me, but it was a surprise to me when I noticed the depths by which I’d gone to hurt myself. Often you think of pain in the external sense. Someone is hurting you, something is hurting you, but not that you are actively hurting yourself.  You hear it said to you and may say the words yourself, but you never really give it credence because why would you do this to yourself? Why can’t you just stop? That’s what I learned. That I was actively hurting myself by simply refusing to embrace the adjustment to my thinking. It’s a simple adjustment, you know. Just say that no, I’m not going to eat that, or yes, I can fast for five days without feeling like I need to come out of my skin. I see a commercial and want to crawl into the tv in search of the food. I watched the sitcom “Community” and they did a whole episode on chicken fingers (hilarious, by the way), but I could practically smell the meat and felt that it wasn’t right to deny myself and that I would never eat again!

Yeah, freaking ridiculous. I know.

I didn’t give into the need (mainly because there are no chicken fingers in the damn house), but there was a physical pain in the denial. There was such an incredible need for fucking chicken fingers that at the same time I thought that I was nuts, I could still smell the sesame chicken (the closest chicken finger equivalent that I’d consumed) I ate on Friday. I felt as if I’d lost something, that I was being denied something substantial, something that was going away and that I was never going to get the chance to eat again.

Nuts, right?

But it didn’t matter. I was being denied and I didn’t see why I should be. I couldn’t understand why I had to say no. Why couldn’t I have those great looking, obviously great tasting chicken fingers all for myself?! Why must I be denied? But that is the question isn’t it? Why must I be denied? Well the answer, of course, is simple and obvious; because you’re no longer comfortable. You see, like I’ve said before, I’m not going for skinny (although I’d have to be five years dead before I could reach “skinny!”), but I am going for jeans. I want to wear jeans again. Yes, I can find jeans in my size, but have you seen them? They’re gross.

I’m raging and that was not my original purpose for this blog entry. Right at this moment, I feel, right. My mind feels clear of that obsessive, reckless thinking about food. I feel foolish for always wanting and needing the caloric tit.  I know I will feel the need again. Soon. But, I wanted to at least acknowledge, if only to myself, that I don’t always have to feel that way. That sometimes I can feel like most normal sized people with addictions other than food!

I wanted to write down this feeling of true peace and calmness. I wanted to write down the fact that at this moment I don’t have some food commercial playing silently in the back of my mind, or that I’m not sitting here counting the minutes till this fast comes to an official end.  I wanted to write down the fact that I don’t feel like screaming because my psyche is raging at me to comfort her, to prove my love to her by eating something rich and satisfying, to eat just so she will quiet long enough for me to try and sleep. She’s quiet now and I know that I will grieve when she once again wakes and we start this agonizing dance all over again.

I look at myself as several different people; a community of one. There is no need for you all to know the different personalities (and no! I’m not nuts in the multiple personality way!) because that’s not the issue. The issue is that in all those who occupy my space, Her voice is the one that screams the loudest. She is the one that must be controlled and she is the one I fight to lose weight. Everyone has a Her, I’m simply brave enough to claim her.

Thanks for listening.

Until tomorrow…

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~ by wastedlife40 on April 23, 2010.

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