Easy to say, hard as hell to do…

The past six weeks closely mirrored my last fast. The feeling of desperation was palpable throughout the entire time and I couldn’t for the life of me put my finger on why. As I’ve stated before, food for me is comfort and a way to alleviate boredom.

It quiets the desperation.

I noticed that my mind seems to scream loudly and continuously when I fast. It is clawing for something to dull its pain and that is a frighteningly stunning admission, and not one I make lightly. Today, my mind only traveled to food when I wanted to be comforted. I was annoyed, frustrated with myself and my lack of energy. It’s strange for me to feel so drained, but today-despite more coffee than I should have consumed-I couldn’t seem to shake the non-food induced fog clogging my head. My first thought was to make some eggs and Brussels sprouts (don’t ask) and curl up on the couch and watch the Star Trek Voyager DVD I rented from Netflix. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but it doesn’t take that much to comfort me. I, of course, would have preferred a bowl of rice with broccoli on top, or better yet, corn and tons of butter! Like I said, it doesn’t take much. Instead, I watched Voyager, cleaned out a closet and bought some nail polish from Avon. It was a no calorie comfort, so it couldn’t fulfill the need completely.

Not that I though it would.

I hate that sometime, in this situation; I sit around counting the hours, hoping they will speed up and get me to the next day quickly. You see, I’m not hungry. Not at all, but the craving rides me as much as any addiction rides its owner. I’m just lucky that at the end of my week, I’m allowed to indulge in my drug of choice once again. Hell, I don’t even have a choice.

I’m actively trying to augment my thinking about everything, not just food. But everything must have a beginning and today was more of a success than I give myself credit for. For today was true fast. No calories consumed. Trippy.

I’m going to plant myself firmly in the twenty-third century (thank you Angela Knight!) and live someone else’s life tonight.  Books are the perfect escape. Time consuming, fantasy inducing, mind frolicking fun!

And not one single damned calorie!

Until tomorrow…


~ by wastedlife40 on April 19, 2010.

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