Why the long break in between blogging?


It’s simple really. I get very tired of talking about, or should I say worrying about, food-diets-and the like. When I’m wrapped up in the fast, writing is a way to purge pent up frustration and anxiety. It’s a mental enema that often helps to refocus my mind on the task at hand. Unfortunately, I forgot that I’m an addict and I must constantly refocus my mind on the task at hand.

Not writing everyday has given rise to the sloth that I thought I was steadily overcoming, but I must admit that in that I have been an extreme failure. I would think I had A.D.D if I believed in that sort of thing! My concentration seems to go as far as hours playing computer games, surfing the net, and not much else. I’m as unfocused mentally as my eyes are without my glasses.

I can’t see a damned thing.

I have to start again. Try harder. Strive for the mountaintop-oh you get the gist! Sometimes things seem so impossible, so unattainable that you don’t know why you even bother to try. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. I know it’s a run of depression, but knowing you’re fucked doesn’t make you any less screwed. Food for me is about comfort and boredom. I need to constantly comfort myself from feelings of inadequacy and feeling like my life is passing me by.  I guess this is my midlife crisis and I’ve been having it for twenty years! These feelings aren’t new, it’s just that I’ve matured enough to properly identify them. Yes, we all feel like we haven’t done enough with our lives, that we’ve let so much time past that there may be no hope for us. But, I swear sometimes that I’ve never felt anyway else.  It’s not true, of course. I’ve managed to do probably 75% of all the things that I ever said I wanted to do. That is a huge percentage and I know that the rest (only five things left to go) are all completely possible, three of them within the next five years. I know this, but sometimes the fear becomes such that you can’t find your way past the noise the fear creates. Then, the fear makes failure a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Fear has its place and value in our lives. But it is not necessary to the success of my current tasks. I WILL strive to be fearless. Strive to be true.

Yeah, I know it sounds corny, but everyone needs a mantra!

I do love the fact that I didn’t stray far from my adopted diet (low carb) even in my angst. I had sushi three or four times in the six weeks, but that was only out of the house. I never once had anything that would be deemed contrary to my diet and I’ve had no real desire for it, except for two days in that time when I could have taken many lives for any sort of cake! Sugar free hard candies seem to have helped me over that hump, but it was serious touch and go there for awhile.

My mind does a lot of things and goes so many places that sometimes it’s incredibly difficult to wrangle the fucking thing back on track. It’s frustrating and I’ve contemplated medication, but doing that would kill the creativity. However, if I don’t focus, all the creativity in the world will be for naught if I can’t focus it enough to put it on the page. To that end, I’ve begun a blog log. I’ve come up with over seventeen ideas for blogs just to start! (see, don’t want for creativity, want for focus!) And it will be something I strive to do a minimum of six times a week.

I hope you will join me in this endeavor. I’d love your feedback.

Chow!

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~ by wastedlife40 on April 18, 2010.

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